I was so funny you forgot to laugh…

I am the first to admit that I CANNOT tell a joke to save my life. I can laugh mighty heartily at them, but no, I can’t scare up a joke that even a 2-year-old could say  and have people rolling on the floor.

I used to tell jokes. When I was very young I would make up these jokes that I thought were insanely funny and had me in tears, rolling on the floor. And God bless my parents, they laughed like I was meant for Comedy Central. (Even though there was no Comedy Central back then, and they really thought I was the latest Shecky Green!)

But folks, the truth is, my jokes weren’t funny. They are what truly inspired the silence with a cricket chirping in the background. Honestly. It’s documented somewhere that my jokes caused the silence with crickets chirping phenomenon. My sister would say, “That wasn’t funny.” And my mom would say, “Oh honey, yes it was.” Uh Mom, thanks but … no, they weren’t.

As I grew older and matured, it didn’t get any better. My taste in jokes matured. I could laugh at any type, bold or subtle,  dry or wet (ha ha). But for the life of me, not only could I not remember even the shortest joke, I couldn’t even tell it the way most of you can. I can’t even trick people with a joke because I lack the gene for deadpan.

So I’m asking all of you out there to help me. Tell me a funny you think I can remember and retell with success. Nothing lewd or racist please. I do have my morals and values to adhere to.

I’ll do my best to show you proud and let you all know if you’ve helped me achieve my dream of being able to tell a joke and make people laugh.