Wednesday Witticisms: Henny Youngman

I grew up listening to Henny Youngman with my parents. He was best known for one-liners that would knock your socks off and playing his violin in between so you could catch your breath. Enjoy!

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food….. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she’ll kill me!

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spent less than my wife did.

The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

Happy Wednesday!